Monday, 13 February 2012
Ready to Hook but Not Roll
Settles herself down in her overstuffed chair, spreads voluminous skirts prettily around her and begins....
As you may or may not know dear friends, Danvers is about to embark on her very first Crochet Club. Having signed up for Jane Crowfoots 2012 crochet blanket club last year the time has now come for the first of the patterns to plop into her inbox. She waits none too patiently and plays genteely with the beautiful Rowan yarns (which arrived a couple of weeks ago) whilst sharpening her hooks. The theme of the blanket is 'Victorian Lace', a fitting theme for Danvers don't you think? Danvers shall keep you informed as the work progresses over the following 6 months.......she rubs hands together with great anticipation and glee at the prospect of many hours of hooking.
On Plumpness and the Lack of It
Ahem. Danvers would like to announce that although she is inordinately fond of plumpness....in kittens, children/babes in arms, fruits, wallets etc.......she is none too fond of it on her. Sadly a diet consisting of such delicacies as hand-made belgian chocolates, profitaroles, coddled eggs and lamb cutlets had not been kind to Danvers over the years and she had almost inexplicably found herself on the wrong side of plump. Plumpness (never fat dear things, that is simply too rude) crept up alongside Danvers, tapped her ever so politely on the shoulder and whispered "Permission to come aboard Madam?" and Danvers being Danvers completely misheard the question as she was concentrating on something else entirely at the time and nodded in a slightly bemused but as ever, pretty manner. And Lo! the plumpness duly arrived!
Not a woman to be trifled with (although she can certainly appreciate a trifle) by anything or anyone, Danvers gripped plumpness by its amply proportioned horns and shook it until it at last began to lose its grip upon her hips, thighs and other regions of rotundity. With a treadmill ensconced within one of the lesser used rooms of Danvers Hall and an iron will that would make Mrs.Thatcher (the old version not the current one) look like a simpering pet, she has whittled, perspired and run as if the very devil himself were hot on her heels and is now a veritable shadow of her former self.......and all this since 1st December 2011! Yes, even over Christmas Danvers lost some plump. How's that for determined?
"How did you do it?" she hears you cry. Well, it's like this. Don't eat. But when you do, make sure the food is good for you and ergo, tasteless. It you can taste what you are eating, spit it out immediately and go chew on some deliciously unknown-to-the-natural-world-foodstuff e.g. polystyrene, sorry, rice cakes. And exercise. Lots of exercise, even if it is only running after ones spouse with an axe yelling "BUT I'M HUNGRY!". All forms of physical exertion is good for ridding oneself of plumpness.
On the plus side. Danvers is now wearing skinny jeans, finds it a doddle to tie her Hi-Tops from a standing position (did anyone mention fashion victim?) and can no longer fold her underwear into origami swans as she has had to downsize her undies.
A new wardrobe beckons to Danvers like Captain Ahab's hand to his crew when he was harpooned to Moby Dick.
Happy Days are indeed, here again. More plump news shall follow forthwith but for now Danvers is off to gnaw on an old bone she wrestled from the jaws of next-doors dog.